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Tips for Newscasters and Newswriters:
1. Every time there is a thunderstorm, hurricane, flood, or tornado, entitle your report “Wicked Weather.” You will be the first person to ever think to use this witty aliteration.
2. People always think these clever substitutions, among many others, are funny or cool:
Martha Stewart = Domestic Diva
Michael Jackson = King of Pop or Wacko Jacko
Election year of YYYY = You Decide YYYY
Yankees = Bronx Bombers
3. Report on things that happen on reality TV. The more you report on them, the more real it seems. Your prime time ratings will go up, and your “Wicked Weather” and “What happened at the game?” (see #4) teasers will be better received by larger numbers of people.
4. Make sure weather and sports come last. If there was a close game, show highlights of both teams celebrating and tease your viewers with “the scores…later tonight.” If there is a thunderstorm within 12 hours from your viewing area, show shots of tornado- and hurricane-force winds destroying all in sight and tease with “Will this ‘Wicked Weather’ [remember #1!] come your way?”
5. People do not understand that wind is windy unless you have a reporter getting blown around by it. Make sure there is a close call with an airborne car part or piece of plywood (employ large fans and pre-purchased garbage if necessary). When this occurs, make sure the reporter warns viewers of the dangers of doing what he does.
6. When it comes to high-profile trials, there is only one word to remember: “speculation.” People want to hear gory murder details reiterated in a light, casual banter between ex-OJ trial “experts.” Have your guests throw out random predictions about who will testify and when, who is winning, what the jury thinks, and what trick the defense team “has up their sleeves.” People love it when normal news is preempted by live coverage of pretrial hearings.
7. When it comes to interviews near a crime scene, grab the nearest crackhead from the garbage bin and interview them. They obviously had the best view of what happened.
8. Don’t check your sources, don’t check your reports. Trust politicians, expose your competitors. Use second-hand information. Press kits from presidential campaigns and marketing groups save you hard work. Don’t be biased: just mess up everything on both sides.